Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Kinikilala ko kasi yung sarili ko bilang isang gay individual at paano ko ba gusto mag-grow as such. Lagi kong ni-reremind sa sarili ko not to lose myself. Hindi naman sa pagiging too careful, pero I try to take everything with a grain of salt.
Ang dami ko kasing ngayon lang na-eexperience or naririnig from conversations. First I thought, it's because I'm not used to this kind of gay culture. That it's different per se. Pero after a while, I realized that it's just like with straight people. One can draw similiarities actually, make comparisons. (But let me make a disclaimer that I'm not a fan of insisting on hard-coded differences when it comes to sexuality.) In both groups, there are those who go to parties and meet people, may mga flirt, may mga promiscuous din etc, the list goes on and on. My closest friends reside on the less rowdier part of the spectrum, so even if I am a "newly-out" gay guy, I want to believe that's where my sensibilities lie. I know I lack a lot of experience especially when it comes to relationships but it's important I think to find early on a kind of anchorage. Right? Yung tipong alam mo na: ahh, dito ko gusto manggaling, I will approach things from this perspective. Yung tipong kaya mong to "go with the flow" pero yung hindi ka naman matatangay completely.
But that doesn't mean I am not open to friendships. From the few times I went out with a group of gays, sobrang ang saya-saya talaga. And aside from that, lagi akong may nararanasang meaningful for me, really. Siguro I've learned the value of opening yourself to people more, connections can be amazing (not necessarily romantic) even with people you've just started to know.
Kaya segue ako to this semi-kind of plugging hehe, I had the pleasure of tagging along sa isang fabcast ni Migs the Manila Gay Guy and the Fabcasters lot. I met him kasi included ako sa isang meetup ng mga blogreaders niya (s&s3). Ang dami kong nakikilala, gusto ko silang maging kaibigan!
Here's the link.
May part 2 pa!
Masayang magulo. Soundtrack ng holidays ko ngayon yang "Off the Wall" ni MJ. At dahil pumipilosopo ako ngayon, yun phrase na "off the wall" won't make as much sense to me, probably, without the idea of a "wall". Yung homo aspect ng wall na yun ang kinikilala ko pa ngayon. Hi, Wall!
I'm off to a party later, actually. And I'm bringing every part of myself, 100%, not just the part of me that's gay, wall and all.
So tonight gotta leave that nine to five upon the shelf
And just enjoy yourself
Groove, let the madness in the music get to you
Life ain't so bad at all
If you live it off the wall
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Finally, I repeat to him, with the small happiness of small confirmations. Not as good as the real deal though, we both admit. I’d really like to “cyber-cuddle” you know, but I have to go. Sad face emoticon, man-whore, he jokes he feels used. Go then, go. Smiley.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Solution: Kaya nga nagjogging na lang ako kanina. Hindi naman ako health conscious, nagjojog ako minsan to clear my head. Saka alam ko endorphins boost your mood (saka para mangcheckout ng guys, hala!). Ang saya kasi at nadiskubre ko na yung optimal pace ko kanina. Steady lang, far in between lang yung walking/rest periods ko at tsiken na lang ang 1 buong ikot sa oval. Hindi ako na-awkwardan sa posture ko, feeling ko nga ang macho ko (syempre delusion lang, malay ko ba mamaya in reality sobrang stiff pala ng galaw ko eh). Pero kasi yung right knee ko parang may permanent injury, sumasakit sya after some time tuwing tatakbo ako. Damn. Gustong-gusto ko pa naman yung tumatakbo with all I've got kahit maikli lang. Nung elem kasi nanalo ako sa 100m dash, at pag naghahabulan kami ako yung hindi nila mahabol kasi may acceleration powers ako. Yabang eh noh?
Ganito na lang. I believe in myself because I have to, and that this is necessary to be able to believe in others.
So magshashare na naman ako ng tula dahil kailangan kong panindigan ang pagiging emo ko.
Eto ang Horses ni Arkaye Kierulf
|I believe in trees.|
|I believe in birds that live in trees.|
|I believe that behind every one bird is a sky forever expanding.|
|I believe all windows look out to the same sky.|
|I believe in keeping secrets.|
|I believe there is sincerity in lies.|
|I believe when the lights go off the furniture keep to their places.|
|I believe in faith.|
|I believe that if you believe hard enough you will soon enough be saved.|
|I believe in walls. That we need them.|
|I believe in open spaces, that we need them more.|
|I believe once in a while we crave loneliness.|
|I believe we need sadness.|
|I believe in the soft cave of the mouth, in what it has to say, savage and comforting.|
|I believe in roads and streets, that they lead to ruins.|
|I believe violence is a plea for mercy.|
|I believe in the heart's destructive implosions.|
|I believe behind every painting or picture is a white canvass, complete in itself.|
|I believe philosophy is difficult and silly; I prefer instead small delicate things like a knife.|
|I believe Plato's forms do not exist.|
|I believe behind every space is just another space, and behind that just more space, and so on.|
|I believe in clouds.|
|I believe in the divinity of clouds.|
|I believe mathematics is useless and noble.|
|I believe in numbers.|
|I believe that behind all distance is an admission of connectedness, that all space admits of openings.|
|I believe that everything is open.|
|I believe inside every mind is an open gun waiting to go off.|
|I believe the mind is a gun.|
|I believe behind every face is another face is another face.|
|I believe some of us would like to be saints but cannot.|
|I believe some women are virgins.|
|I believe some women would like to be virgins.|
|I believe in the inviolable and the insane.|
|I believe in the quiet dignity of horses.|
|I believe in the benefits of buying a house.|
|I believe every house should be surrounded by trees.|
|I believe in this century, that it is not yet over, that we are on the verge of yet another discovery|
|I believe our many voices thin out into only one voice.|
|I believe in the end, but only if it fuels the past to continue expanding.|
|I believe in the layering of clothes, one on top of another, in the Victorian style.|
|I believe in skirts and lingerie and long black hair and virtue.|
|I believe in sin.|
|I believe in the woman under the man and vice versa.|
|I believe in the invisible hand, in the wind that lifts the bird and elevates the sky.|
|I believe in love without proof.|
|I believe in landscapes.|
|I believe that behind all love is all love itself, pure and soft and intense.|
|I believe in things so huge we forget what they're about and why.|
|I believe in things so small that it's taken us all these years to realize we've seen nothing.|
When I read this poem again just this morning, it felt different this time, parang naglimpse ko lalo yung multiplicity ng meaning ng tulang ito. Right now, I've never been happier to say that yes, I too am shattered.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
So my friend in medschool is asking us guys for a semen sample tomorrow. For Science, wholesome ‘to.
Pero di ko talaga kinaya yung nabasa ko, pucha, napa-LOL talaga ako. Thing is, you have to get it off right there in the campus. (aw sperm cells have such short lifetimes?)
Who will give in?
Friendship-Over na ba ito?
Dun Dunn, Dun Dunn….
You know, sometimes it just hits me, wow, this gay thing is very hard. I get scared when I think about it: the dynamics of same-sex relationships, bias ng ibang tao, machismo, even those basic things like how we should act so people would be accepting and tolerant. Ang dami-daming pressure. Maybe I haven’t just met that too many people yet. Or maybe I am missing out on the bigger picture here, is that life in general?
If only homosexuality is a choice, honestly, I’ve no business here. “That’s all folks” na ako agad. But I guess, that’s life. You’re dealt all kinds of hands along the way, and the game is to play your way through it.
Bigla ko lang naramdamang subukan ulit ang magblog. Curious kasi ako (at sa marami pang bagay). So to start things off, by way of a personal tradition na actually isang jinx ata, I’ll start this one with:
Out the house
To resist melancholy you would not want to ride on buses these nights. Around midnight, particularly, avoid the most. Do not sit near the windows, there’s the wind of a free highway, the constellations of distant lamps and windows to remind you of a city minus its daylight smog and toothed skyline. No use to lay wishes on them, being mirrored by a horizon only eager for symmetry, a balance of stars. The sultry night carves its own mirage.
The easiest way is to sleep through this escape from home. But the rattling of loose windows, rasping of old engine are the drone of waves one would expect lapping a long shore. It’d be better actually to keep the eyes closed, but there is something, something silent in the timid lights of naked bulbs, wires wrapped loose in electric tape, their unassuming capacity for a sunset their own.
Perhaps this is the best time to hawk out what’s clogging our throats out into the running asphalt we leave behind with guarantee. I’ve got this thick one, see. Then, consider how simple and virtuous it is to lean your face on the corroded windows, its kind of soot-blackened coldness to ease fever. And the wind, it keeps stroking this side of your face.
If I slump back against the cracked upholstery, someone would eye the bay formed between my legs. It was such wholeness I cannot meet, I would only keep to the road outside and the low light. If his dent in the seat inches closer.
No, I do not want to feel his strange hands now brushing at the mouth of my pocket, my hands shrinking pale into hard fists. But there’s that―that in severance I could believe abandonment is a virtue. Inside my pockets are holes to hold no change. Tonight one waxes to fullness inviting the rise of tides but the exit would still be twenty minutes away as high above, earth light peels through the atmosphere, and here below, we say the stars twinkle.